Heeeeyyy…look who’s six months sober!
Apparently I was given a chip that was handed back by someone because that’s what it looked like when I got it yesterday. Apparently giving back your monthly chips is a thing when you hit one year. Or so I’ve been told.
But I digress.
Hitting six months was brilliant. Up until this point I collected my chips with an exhausted sense of relief that I hadn’t caved in and drank. I mean there was my separation from Mrs. M (which still hurts but I’m managing it much better), moving, intense psychodynamic therapy, EMDR therapy, and then the general trials and tribulations of life that I haven’t necessarily ever dealt with sober.
It was pretty exhausting.
Yesterday was the first time I collected a chip with nothing but pride. DAMN RIGHT I’M STILL SOBER. Self high-five!
Not going to lie though, I really hope the next six months are easier. Or at least different. I’d like to think that I’ve reaped enough reward from sobriety that I know well enough that I don’t want to touch a drop. Or at least it’s less of a day-to-day struggle and more of a weekly urge or occasional twinge.
I will defintiely have new challenges to face: leaving my recovery bubble and going back to work (gulp), getting my ass into shape (BRING IT ON), possibly (hopefully) reconnecting with Mrs. M and going to couples therapy.
Plus whatever other New Year’s resolutions I eventually make for myself. I’m still working on those.
My main worry is that I am not in a position to be able to take three days off to just lie in bed and process emotions anymore. My benefits are more than likely about to be cut off but the bills are going to keep coming and as a freelancer my sick days are most definitely unpaid.
No, I must join the real world and carry on despite whatever emotions I might be feeling…and I’m going to hate that.
If the first six months after giving up alcohol were the “bubble months”, then these next six months will be “welcome back to life” months. The difference is that today, I think life is pretty good. I’m totally hormonal right now, but I also happen to think that I’m pretty good too. “Good” as in I don’t hate myself nearly as much anymore. I’m pretty weird, but I’m okay with that. I can be pretty moody (especially this week…phew) and it sucks for everyone but. I’m not perfect, nor am I going to waste anymore energy trying to be.
That’s gotta make life easier, right?
I also imagine that because I have been through an intense therapy-based bootcamp my emotional biceps are freaking huge and actually I can benchpress any damn feeling no matter how heavy. Three set of 20 reps. No problem.
A light sweat instead of full-body collapse. I’m very much obsessed about getting back into physical shape in case you haven’t noticed.
Anyway, try as I may I can’t really bring myself to delight in the idea of sneaking a drink anymore either. I value myself, and my own recovery too much.
That does make life easier. The next six months will be easier.
So bring it on. Bring it. I’m ready.