I had to take some time to reflect on the death of Charmaine.
I didn’t name her in my original post just in case someone I knew from my local alcohol recovery service read my blog and had yet to hear the news – that would be a terrible way to find out. At any rate, I’ve had the chance to process it all, and now I’m back to the business of blogging.
In fact, I’ve made it a goal to blog daily from now on.
There are two reasons for that: The first is that I don’t want to forget that I am in recovery. I know that sounds ridiculous, but you’d be surprised how easily it is to put the horror of my drinking behind me and carry on like everything is fine. It’s like forgetting how bad your last hangover was, but on a much bigger scale.
The second is that my brain is about as focused as a broken telescope on a foggy night and I need to keep it occupied in a constructive manner.
I call it “Early Recovery Brain”. It’s the polar opposite of being “on the ball”; I am nowhere near the ball. My ball is made of yarn and it has completely unravelled.
Basically, my Early Recovery Brain is like a really excited puppy unable to obey anything other than a few simple one-word commands. If allowed off its leash, chaos ensues.
As an example, last week I managed to lose my credit card, lock myself out of my flat, and store the cream in the microwave overnight, instead of the fridge where it obviously belongs. This was after my chilli con carnage debacle (still a fantastic pun though).
Identifying the need to remedy my mental lapses, my wildly out of control Early Recovery Brain attempted a solution that went something like this:
“Ok, so I need to create a system for my credit cards so that I know where they are so they don’t get lost so I should always put my Amex in my back left pocket or is that where my phone should go? No phone should be in the front right pocket because I can feel it vibrate there but then there are those high-wasted jeans that I don’t really like I should really get new jeans actually I should really lose some weight I know I will eat paleo but Mrs. M likes rice and potatoes well maybe those are okay but then is that really paleo actually working out might be better but you can’t outrun a bad diet oh shit I’m still paying for my gym membership I need to cancel that and call my phone provider because we have no dial tone on our phone or maybe the phone is broken? I wish I knew how to fix things maybe there’s an electronic course I can take at City Lit but I have no money oh shit I need a job I work hard for the money, so hard for it honey should I cancel my Spotify subscription what was I thinking about again? I need to take some supplements for my memory so I can remember what it is I need to remember does that even work…”
And all of that took about three seconds to swirl around my head.
I cannot, MUST NOT, allow this to continue.
To begin regaining control over my mental processes, last week I committed to doing one hour of tidying my physical mess, and one hour of tidying the mess that is my computer’s hard drive so that I am not completely lost in thought in between meetings (and apparently physical mess = mental mess so I win twice over).
Self-high five for me for sticking to it so far, which proves that given a specific task to complete, I can function like a normal adult. Or like a well-trained puppy (and yes, I do give myself treats when I get it right).
This week I am adding daily blog posts to the mix, which should keep me mentally well-behaved for at least an extra hour or so.
Clean. Computer. Meetings. Blog.
I will master my own head…eventually.