False Expectations Appearing Real
F*ck Everything And Run
Failure Expected And Received
Frantic Effort to Avoid Reality
Future Events Already Ruined
Face Everything And Recover?
Who knew one word could have so many bloody acronyms? I’m feeling them all, but mostly the ones that induce panic.
I am constantly in awe of my ability to hide emotions from myself. I was feeling kind of “meh” today but chalked it up to post-birthday comedown coupled with typical grey and gloomy British weather.
Until I burst out crying at dinner because it (finally) occurred to me that now that my celebration weekend is over, I must face reality.
I must acknowledge my dwindling savings, and soon-to-be-desperate need for a job.
I must acknowledge that I can’t go back to the job I know how to do, and that I need to muster up courage I don’t really have to put myself forward for the job I want (but don’t know if I can do).
I must keep in mind that I have to actively monitor my anxiety levels, and do something if it gets too much.
Oh, and I need to watch it with the “I must” nonsense because putting too much pressure on myself is half the reason I ended up in rehab in the first place. Old habits die hard, I suppose.
There is still an element of post-birthday comedown fueling my FEAR; I’ve had nearly a week away from having to think about real life. I’m two weeks away from an insanely busy (and expensive) 60+ days, including nearly three weeks back home in Canada.
Specifically, my mother.
She’s a lovely woman but three weeks with her is a very long time.
The point is, I’m just feeling a tad disorganised; the really annoying consequence of not looking at my email or using my trusty notepad to keep track of my life for a week.
That, and the intentional decision to put off looking at reality until after my birthday. I should’ve perhaps thought that through a bit better.
Despite my FEAR, I don’t want to drink. In fact, I am – in a slightly sick and twisted way – looking forward to being able to Face Everything And Recover. I’m not a hopeless case; I’ve come a long way and these things that I am ever so slightly panicky about are Very Doable Things.
I’m just not accustomed to Doing the Things. I haven’t had to do much other than not drink lately, and the last time I attempted anything more taxing than staying sober I ended up in rehab.
Well, no fucking wonder I’m scared.
(If ever there was a time to mention the benefit of writing/blogging about recovery, now would be it. I feel a million times better for having figured that out. Self-high five!)
So yeah, I’m scared. The thing is, life is going to happen to me regardless of whether I participate in it or not…but I’d much rather be at the controls. I tried sticking my head in the sand and I didn’t really care for where I ended up.
Face Everything And Recover? Yeah, I’ll feel that FEAR…and do it, anyway.