It’s been just over 48 hours since I left the comfortable bubble of rehab.
As it turns out, my life didn’t sort itself out while I was away. I haven’t been visited by unicorns nor do I fart rainbows and I have yet to find a magic wand to make everything better.
There is still a lot of shit to deal with.
See that photo at the top? That’s just my desk. A tiny fraction of the mess I still have to clean up.
And yes, that is a Christmas tree in the corner. One that never got put up because I was either in vodka blackout or withdrawal or just plain unable to do so…and I still haven’t put the bloody thing away yet either.
It would be – and is – very easy to list all the things I haven’t done yet, or done properly. Drunk me was Queen of Self-Flagellation, which is a big reason why I was drunk all the time.
This photo of my desk alone is enough for me to get my mental whip out and berate myself mercilessly…not just because of the giant pile of stuff on my desk but because it’s not even a very good photo. That’s how Her Highness rolls.
Or should I say, rolled.
I’m abdicating the Throttle Throne and starting a new thing called “giving myself a fucking break”.
So here’s what really matters about the last 48 hours:
- I haven’t had a drink
- I’ve been to two AA meetings (heading out for my third in as many days shortly)
- I’ve reconnected with my local alcohol service
- I threw out my cigarettes and bought a vape
Are these remarkable achievements? In the grand scheme of life, no.
No one is going to give me a trophy for not drinking poison, or choosing to inhale slightly less toxic chemicals, or sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers talking about the shitty things I did while I was pissed (but just so you know, I’d be more than happy to receive a trophy if you were so inclined to send one).
But these choices are far better than the ones I was making a month ago (barring the smoking thing, that was a bad decision) and as they say in recovery: Progress, not perfection.
(It should be noted that “they” say a lot of things in recovery over and over again. These sayings mostly annoy me because mostly they are the things I need to hear. So I get another point for taking one of those annoying sayings on board.)
Acknowledging these trivial little victories instead of obsessing over my failures is progress, my friends: It’s been a good 48 hours.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Christmas tree to put away…