To me, it’s a super-positive “I’m-going-to-eat-kale-and-volunteer-and-love-unconditionally-until-I-fart-rainbows” kind of feeling. It was at times a bit nauseating, but a whole lot better than soul-crushing despair.
Yes, I was living in a pink cloud of early recovery bliss. But that came to an end yesterday.
For some reason, blogging again yesterday hit a special button in my brain that dispersed the pink clouds. All I could see was a long slog ahead: finding a job, making money, losing weight and feeling good about myself. All very worthy goals that I will reach. One day. Possibly a very long time from now. “Distant future”-type stuff. I think.
Yesterday it was as if I noticed the very long road ahead of me. For the first time.
In the spirit of eating kale and staying positive (read: clinging to the pink clouds), this is infinitely better than my previous mental coping mechanism of not acknowledging the road. Knowing I have a long journey ahead of me means I’m willing to take it.
In my drinking days, I deluded myself into thinking many foolish things: the diet starts next week, I’ll make £5,000 on the side with little to no effort on my part, I have stopped aging, I’m still 18 and I have zero adult responsibilities. When truth reared its ugly head, I prolonged the delusions with vodka (if you’d like to live in an alternate universe, I highly recommend vodka).
Now I have no delusions and although it’s a bit exhausting to think of the days between now and being off my medication (12), achieving my ideal weight (around 235), and securing a job that doesn’t make me want to dig my eyeballs out of my skull with a spoon (??), I can see these goals for what they are: long-term. Not “quick fix” material. Effort required.
It’s a long time, but not nearly as long as vodka can drag out a delusion.
And I have bacon to add flavour to the kale I just bought. No one said the journey had to be bland.