Not drinking is the easiest part of recovery.
Really take a moment to think about what it means to drink: it means pouring liquid into a glass, picking the glass up, putting it to your lips, and swallowing.
That is drinking. Not doing that is very easy. Simply don’t do it. Do not engage the muscles required to perform these actions.
Where it gets difficult is the “why” that motivates these actions, and hijacks basic muscle control. Why do I want a drink? Specifically an alcoholic drink? What thoughts, feelings and emotions prompted me to pour a lot of vodka into a glass, put it to my lips and swallow even though on some level I didn’t really want to?
This is where things get tricky. It’s so tricky and so complex that I can’t even begin to tease it all out. This is where part of me agrees with the idea of keeping it simple: just don’t drink.
Where keeping it simple starts to fail for me is during those fleeting moments when a thought, feeling or emotion creeps up on me and whispers “I know what will help…”
No, it won’t help. Why did I think that?! It’s the mental equivalent of those cryptic windows error codes:
My drinking was very much about running away; but from what? Is it the shame of my confidence-crushing overweight body? Being raised by a co-dependent narcissistic mother? The trauma of the deaths of both my father and step-father? Is it just that my blood sugar is out of whack?
Maybe it’s all the above?
I am a big believer in a holistic approach to health. Treat the symptoms, yes, but also find the source of the problem. Symptoms will persist if the actual problem isn’t eradicated.
So I know that in order to achieve “recovery”, I have to do more than simply not drink. I need to build a life I don’t want to run away from. No whisper can tempt me if I’m happy where I am.
And how do I get to that place of happiness? Simple. By not drinking.
It’s a Catch-22 I can’t wrap my head around, nor can I write my way through to a solution tonight.
(I’m actually Mac girl and now my head is the spinning beachball of death).