I have been talking a big game to anyone who listens about phase two of my recovery.
I’ve taken to calling it “beast mode” and have enlisted a very good fellowship friend to join me in the effort.
I’ve even (stupidly) decided to binge on all the junk food I can in anticipation of making this transformation, and because I love a good play on words I’ve called it “feast mode”.
Such bravado! Such ego! Such optimism!
Feast mode is making me feel pretty awful: I haven’t had vegetables in god knows how long, and my diet right now is basically chocolate, cheese and carbs.
Rather than completely shock my system on October 1st, when phase two begins, I thought I should probably at least start with the tiniest amount of excercise and walked to my meeting tonight.
The walk in question features a staircase. The staircase in question made me question my sanity, what with the gasping and all.
This in turned made me feel stupid for boasting about phase two/beast mode and the next thing you know my walk has turned into a pity parade.
Because frankly, I’m scared that I’ve talked a game that’s actually out of my league.
But this is what I always do, and weirdly, I always do it in September. I have no idea why September. Maybe it’s leftover childhood back-to-school enthusiasm?
So my pity parade began when I recognised that some old pattern, knowing how it’s always ended up; enthusiasm wanes, working out stops, feelings of failure return and scariest of all, relapse. That’s how it’s been previously, anyway.
Is this time really going to be any different? Like, this is actually super fucking important that it is so how am I going to make sure it’s different?
This is not the part where I figure out the answer and tell you. This is the part where I think to myself “Holy shit” and remember that I have never, ever collected a four-month sobriety coin, that I did this whole working out thing last year and then ended up in rehab in December, that Mrs. M’s biggest pet peeve with me was that I always say I’m going to do something but I never follow through…
This is the part where I panic, but just a little bit. Because on my walk I was listening to Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama (Thunderpuss Remix) and dammit, I am NOT going to repeat last year, or any previous fitness transformation attempts that have ended in failure.
I don’t know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win
Damn right, Mary J. I choose to win.
I DON’T CARE HOW BIG A GAME I’VE TALKED, I’M OWNING IT! I’M NOT REPEATING SELF-DEFEATING HABITS! I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH ALCOHOL AND FREEING MYSELF OF ALL THE DRAMA IT CAUSED IN MY LIFE. AAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Yeah, that’s beast mode happening. Mary J. Blige does that to me, though it’s important to stress that the Thunderpuss Remix is key. You enjoy it while I go and eat some cheese and try and work out a set of guidelines for phase two.
(You’re pumped, right? YASSS!)