Humour – my defence mechanism of choice – kicks in strongest when I am feeling most uncomfortable.
Today I was missing Mrs. M quite badly. I’m not supposed to be writing about her, but then I wouldn’t be writing honestly, so fuck it. I miss her. A lot.
So I thought I’d torture myself a little with the other side of this microcassette I had started to listen to.
I still can’t remember why I made the recording, but Side B moves away from my drinking and into territory that completely blew me away: it was me trying every mind trick I knew to get Mrs. M to say “I am wonderful” to herself.
I don’t really want to elaborate much on the details here because I don’t believe in dragging Mrs. M into a spotlight I know she doesn’t want to be in.
Why this blew me away was because for as long as I can remember, it was Mrs. M telling me that I didn’t love myself enough. I have no memory of it being the other way around…but I do have a recording of it now.
And to be honest, I don’t really know what to make of it. I know for a fact that Mrs. M has been telling me that I have a severe shortage of self-love since we met… but I don’t remember the version of Mrs. M I hear on the tape.
I suspect she wouldn’t remember that version of her, either.
Which means I have to swallow my pride a little here and acknowledge that yes, Mrs. M, you have worked hard on yourself. You did, and I didn’t.
I let drink – and denial – eat away at the self-assured and confident Moppy I hear on that tape.
I am as unrecogniseably confident as Mrs. M is insecure.
Of course, it’s not like “Oh shit! I lost my sense of self-worth?! I had no idea!” Or anything like that. I knew that happened.
It happened gradually over the course of six years so my perception of how far I’ve fallen is distorted. Was distorted.
(There’s probably another tape pun to be made here, as the recording is also distorted etc etc but it’s late and I don’t have the energy. Feel free to leave something suitable in the comments.)
Anyway. The plus side to this B-Side revelation is that I now have an idea of just how much higher I’ll be able to climb. If I am amazed at how I sound on that tape, when my lack of self-love was already noticeably low, how much better is it going to get in recovery?! I am very, very excited.
If only I could fast forward to that happy future now!
(I’m going pause it there, while I’m still ahead.)