It feels like it’s been a lot longer since my last drink. It feels different than the last time(s) I had one month of sobriety under my belt.
It feels good.
So what’s different? For starters, I’m a lot more frightened of the journey that lays ahead. This is a good thing. In my previous attempts to give up alcohol, I was cocky. A month would go by and I thought “Yeah, no big deal, I’ve got this”.
Of course, I was wrong. Inevitably, shortly after passing the one month milestone I’d find a reason to pick up a drink again…and invariably I’d end up back in hospital, on Librium, only to rinse and repeat. I think I did this about six times last year. I’ve lost count, to be honest.
There were too many hospital visits.
This time, I have more knowledge and more respect – if that’s the right word – for my sobriety. It’s not something to take lightly; it’s something that for the time being I need to work on daily. I’m going to AA meetings in addition to my local alcohol service. I’m even taking therapy more seriously.
I’d like to think I will make it to two months of continuous sobriety, but I have a healthy doubt. It’s not to put myself down or to think that I can’t do it; it’s just to make sure I continue to put in the effort so that I do.
The other difference? I’m a lot more proud of my month this time around. Because I have worked hard and I am putting in a very good effort.
Most importantly, any thoughts of being able to one day “drink like a normal person” have been banished from my head. This is a huge shift in my mindset. HUGE. So getting to a month knowing there isn’t another drink waiting for me somewhere down the line is something to be proud of…and I am!
I will be picking up my coin this Thursday. Technically the second in my collection, but the first that I truly felt I’ve earned (somehow detoxing on Librium in rehab took away from my 24 hour coin…also because it had been a lot longer than 24 hours by the time I got it). I look forward to showing that baby off.
Roll on month two!