The last few weeks I’ve really enjoyed myself: I launched my real life digital project that I’m very passionate about. I’ve enjoyed quality time with my wife, which is something we weren’t able to do when I was in full meltdown mode. It’s been amazing, and it feels good. Life – for the most part – has been really, really, lovely.
These are all very positive things…but what I haven’t been so good at is working on my own recovery. I think. It’s kind of hard to tell.
You see, I’m torn between carrying on as a happy non-drinker, living an alcohol free lifestyle and not owning up to any of the struggles that come with giving up alcohol. But to be fair I’m so clear in not wanting to drink that there just haven’t been very many struggles to own up to.
On the other hand, I can’t just pretend that a year and a half of daily drinking a shit ton of vodka didn’t have an affect on me. Or my family. Or my wife.
Going to rehab doesn’t just magically sort that shit out, and I need to look at what happened.
I just don’t know where to draw the line.
Lately I haven’t been going to very many fellowship meetings because I’ve been enjoying my happiness and I find fellowship meetings more than a bit dreary, if I’m honest.
I’m done with my local alcohol services group, and the secondary recovery services is not terribly well organised so I’m not getting much out of it (but I’m still going to keep an open mind).
Lastly, I haven’t blogged much…or used Anchor like I said I would.
I mean, really? At the very least I can commit to writing a bit on a blog and examine the cause of my mid-thirties meltdown. Oh, and the role alcohol played (it was a big one!) so that no one ever has to experience that again.
That, and laughing at the ridiculous shit I did as a result. Because I find it therapeutic and lord know I still need a lot more therapy.
I’ve just celebrated three months of being alcohol-free and that’s a fantastic achievement, but in the grand scheme of things it’s very early days and I have yet to earn the right to be cocky.
Life feels good right now, but who knows? Maybe it’s a second pink cloud. Or maybe I am just genuinely happy. The fact that I don’t know indicates I still have a lot of work to do, because life will inevitably feel like shit again at some point. I need to be ready to tackle those turdy moments sans booze.
So starting today I’m committing to blogging. Every Day.
Blogging once a day means that at least once a day I am thinking about the meltdown, why it happened, and how to prevent it. It means I am making room for recovery every day.
Even if I am dead tired, and all I have the energy for is posting a cat video (which I doubt I will do, because I don’t particularly like cats or cat videos. Don’t hate me.), I will put something online every day. If I don’t, I have most likely been hit by a bus (but please hold off on panicking until a few days have gone by in case there’s something less serious going on).
I may not always get to a meeting, I may not go to all my recovery service groups…but dammit, if I can waste time playing Angry Birds Blast, then I have time to think about recovery.
So I’ll see you tomorrow…