I haven’t worked this hard in ages.
This is probably not saying much. I’m not actually “working” in the sense that I don’t get up and go to a job every day.
In fact, I am swallowing my pride and signing on to benefits, because my last two relapses both occurred at the start of new jobs.
Coincidence? Probably not.
For the first time in a long time I am pushing myself towards a goal: recovery.
When I was drinking my goals were laughable: do the minimum amount of work required to make it look like I was actually being productive in a day. Hide my bottles well. Drink enough to feel okay but not so much that I appear drunk.
I didn’t aim much higher than that.
You could argue that today’s goal aren’t that much more lofty because they basically involve dealing with life: do the dishes, submit that travel insurance claim I was supposed to submit ages ago (pretty sure I won’t be getting my money for that one), take a meter reading.
Unfortunately, when I drink I put things off. Things pile up. Little things turn into big piles of things to do.
Add on top of these piles the work that needs to be done to deal with the consequences of my drinking and the work required for my recovery and my to-do lists have suddenly taken on Everest-like proportions.
The thing is, I’m getting through them.
I’m learning that on any given day I have more to do than what I can realistically accomplish…and that’s okay.
I’m also learning to prioritise, and enormously useful skill that keeps my sleepless nights to a minimum (and not just because I am exhausted).
Fighting my own brain and riding the rollercoaster of emotions adds to the mental work load, and if I thought the first week of recovery was turbulent, I suspect that was only the initial drop of the ride.
Currently, it’s 12:30am on what is technically Tuesday morning but still feels like Monday night. I want to just sleep, but I have a programme to work so there’s a grattitude list to write, a day to review and a prayer to be said.
I don’t want to…I want to just curl up under the blankets and sleep. Now.
Except I want recovery more than I want sleep so I’ll do it.
Exhausting, yes. But absolutely worth it.