I did not want to be sober today. I wanted to check out. Be numb. Feel nothing. Avoid pain.
Mrs. M left the house for a holiday in Italy we were supposed to take together.
While she was at work I began sorting through my things. I can’t quite bear to pack anything yet, so I’m pretending I am simply doing a great big purge.
Then she came home, did some last-minute errands, and left.
We hugged. it’s the first time we’ve hugged since I went back into rehab.
It felt good and awful all at once and I cried and cried and thought I was going to split in half.
Luckily, our lodger came home which forced me to try and pull it together so as not to scare the poor guy. He scares easily. A spider made him vomit. I am not making this up.
The lucky bit is that because I had to get my shit together in order to avoid vomit (both his and mine) I was able to calm myself enough to realise I should probably go to a meeting.
It was a good meeting, I met some lovely people, and that took most of the edge off of my need to alter my mental state.
Ordering an inhuman amount of pizza for myself and not giving one fuck about it took care of the rest.
My arteries can wait, my sobriety can’t.