I want you to know that as I am writing this, I am full of anxiety.
Not “mental health issues” anxiety; the kind of anxiety that precedes a difficult decision and the uncertainty that I am making the right choice.
The thing is, I don’t think I want to do this anymore. Blog about my recovery, that is. I definitely want to stay sober.
My latest “silent period” involved some intense therapy. What came to light was just how much I lack confidence in myself, including how that translates to my real-life work.
To be honest, there’s a whole lot of confidence/low self-esteem stuff going on and I know I’m not the only one who suffers from that.
What I did learn is that I do have some control over a lot of it. For instance: my real-life job – which I was sure I hated – is writing for the audio industry. By all accounts it is a very cool job. There are certainly parts of it I hate (extreme deadline pressures and writing about the business side of it, for starters).
Mostly, I hated feeling inadequate in my grasp of audio. I also hated that I wasn’t the person doing the sound work; that’s always been my dream.
To cut a long story short, I want to follow my dream. I know it means I’ll have to write about audio for a bit longer because that’s my educational and professional background, but I will be brushing up on my knowledge in anticipation of returning back to work in the new year.
Making these realisations has been a bit like coming back home to myself. With a few months of sobriety under my belt, I am starting to become the “authentic” me, to further abuse an already over-used word.
I see where I am now, and where I want to be…there is a big gap in between these two points.
But because I’m on benefits and am rich in time, at least for a few more months, I can start to play catch up.
So what does this have to do with this blog? I’m sure you can piece it together. It’s been helpful (for me) to write about my early recovery. But let’s face it, I am still hiding here. My writing has been mostly honest, but I’ve always used humour to disguise my pain because “that’s what Moppy does”.
Well, I’m not Moppy. Moppy is an alter-ego. And my recovery has strengthened to a point where I can honestly say I don’t want to write about it anymore.
I have frequently thought of very useful and SEO-friendly articles I could write to help the next person who drinks too much, but the truth is there is a tonne of great stuff out there already. I also know that what works for me might not work for a lot of people.
Most importantly, my heart isn’t in it. I feel a million times more helpful when I am talking one-on-one with someone in a meeting, or sending a sober friend a text.
I’ve always believed that the key to a successful recovery is building a life you don’t want to run away from. Now if push came to shove and the universe decides that I am meant to be someone who blogs about sobriety, well…I could think of many worse options.
But it’s not what gets me out of bed in the morning or keeps me up late at night. It’s not the thing that terrifies me in that “oh my god I’m actually going for this” kind of way, and it’s not the thing that upsets me when I’m not doing it.
I need to be doing that stuff. As much as possible.
I need to make room in my life for my dream, and this isn’t it.
I’m nervous that this is “a phase” and that I’ll regret taking this site down. Part of me still can’t let go of the idea that I am completely bereft of any talent other than writing self-deprecatingly about my recovery journey.
But just a few minutes ago I thought “It’s time to let people see ME now”. The real-life me who hasn’t blogged or tweeted about anything in a very long time because I was so full of shame I didn’t want to let anyone see me.
I guess that shame is lifting, and I don’t feel like I need to hide behind an alter ego anymore, or share my recovery journey any longer.
To be honest, it’s a distraction. I think. I don’t know.
I’m terrified about pursuing my dream and terrified that taking moppiness down means I am cutting off a very safe alternate way of life that I know I can do well at, if I wanted to.
But is life really about playing it safe?
My biggest fear is that in my final moments of life I will think “Why didn’t I just try?!” I don’t particularly believe in a place called hell, but if it does exist I imagine it’s where you sit and watch your life unfold as if you had bothered to take these big risks…seeing everything you were actually able to achieve and all the joys you never got to experience.
That is far more frightening than anything else I can think of.
I’m not making any rash decisions, but I’m pretty sure moppiness will cease to exist in the near future. I’ve loved playing the part, but I’d rather the real me step into the spotlight now.