And I’m more sober than I have EVER been! At four months and five days, this is officially the longest I have ever remained sober.
I didn’t “go” anywhere, per se. I certainly didn’t relapse (which is usually what silence on my blog would indicate).
I nearly did though.
My battle with recovery has seen me collect 1,2, and 3-month chips several times over…never a fourth.
Like every previous sobriety attempt, the month between collecting my third and fourth chip has been challenging: the pink cloud had evaporated, and the problems that I used alcohol as a solution for were surfacing like a giant emotional blue whales.
I had also started EMDR, a type of trauma therapy that involves reliving the trauma so that you can process it properly. It hurts before it gets better.
I couldn’t write about what I was going through: I could barely get out of bed or even eat most days.
And I was hating everything about recovery: the emotional pain, the meetings, the reflection…like a kid who hates vegetables. Good for you, but no thanks.
So I did what I had to do in order to stay sober: I slept all day, I hid in my room, I cried a lot and spoke to a few trusted friends.
Even then I almost gave up. Luckily, I am tasking sobriety a lot more seriously this time and was able to talk to people and ride out the storm. More on that later.
I’m not saying that my way of getting through this extremely challenging period was “good” recovery – in fact, by most accounts I did most of the things I shouldn’t do – but I didn’t have the emotional or physical fortitude for much else.
Basically, I haven’t given up on blogging, I haven’t relapsed and I am happy to say that I have broken through a pain barrier and come out the other side a happier, calmer person, with renewed enthusiasm about my recovery.
Oh, and a lot to say about the lessons I learned during my silence.
Thank you to everyone who sent me a message on various social media networks; I’ll get back to you very soon!