Well this truly sucks. I’m back in rehab.
Yes…less than a week after I left, I’m back.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!
Clearly, I drank. I drank loads. And loads. In fact, left rehab and I went to my AirBnb, then went to an AA meeting…then to an off license.
Then I drank for five days straight.
My neighbours had to literally scape me off the pavement in front of my flat. I don’t know what happened…how long I was there for. Thank goodness nothing bad happened to me.
I’ve been trying to work out why I let this happen. The truth is, somewhere around 10 days before leaving rehab, I started to panick. I honestly believe it was then and there that I set myself up for the relapse.
I thought “I’m going to an AirBnb an no one will know if I drink”. And I thought magically I would be able to reign that in, even though I know full well that has NEVER been possible.
I was told that if you don’t remember your last drink, then there’ still another one in you. I didn’t remember my last drink before coming here. Well, I did, but it was mostly blackout. It wasn’t hellish enough? Even though I did awful things. It was hellish.
And this is hellish too.
But it’s not like I haven’t learned things in my 28 days here. I came back in. That was smart. And I know I need to learn to love myself. That’s something.
I’m just really fucking terrified that I can’t. But so many of the staff here have done it. So I have to have hope.
And make recovery – both in the addiction sense and my general mid-thirties meltdown sense – a priority on a daily basis.