Well, it was bound to happen. In fact, it to happen. All the feelings I bottled up through drinking (ha, ha…GET IT?!) have hit me like a ton of bricks, and I am a broken woman.
All the losses I had numbed, I feel.
All the pain I caused, I am aware of.
All the lying, the dishonesty, and the betrayal…I am in anguish over.
Maybe it’s the anything-but-festive silence of the common room on a night most people are out celebrating.
Maybe it’s not knowing whether my wife is alone (I hope not) or surrounded by friends and having a good time (I hope so).
Maybe it’s not knowing if she will still be my wife in a few months’ time, and understanding completely why she wouldn’t want to be.
Really. Truly. Understanding.
Maybe it’s knowing that this time last year I had only been out of hospital for a few days after a second of what would be many detoxes.
Why did it take so many detoxes – and then rehab – to finally break?
It doesn’t matter.
I. AM. BROKEN.
And it’s the best possible thing that could’ve happened to me. The veil of denial has been lifted.
One of the counsellor’s told me that it’s only from this place devastation, which feels like a knife stabbing me in the gut and then twisting in large circles, that I can really reach out and grab an alcohol-free life.
I need to hurt like hell before I can heal, and fuck do I hurt.
I think it’s quite symbolic that I should break apart on New Year’s Eve: I can begin 2017 from a place of healing. I can look forward to the process of recovery.
Resolutions? I deal with those tomorrow. I just want to ring in the new year as I plan to carry on: cash in my pockets, surrounded by friends (OK, the nutters I like best in rehab), my ring on my finger (I haven’t lost hope) and feeling positive about the year to come.
I won’t think of it as being apart from my wife; I will think of it as us being able to enjoy life separately while still being married.
I miss her like hell, but I know she needs space. I owe her at least that much.
I also need space, and I owe myself that much and more.
So fuck you 2016…I won’t forget you because I never want to be here again, but I am so glad you are over.
Welcome 2017…I’m so glad you’re here.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!