Have you ever felt like something was…off?

I’e been on Sertraline for 7 years. I started after my ex asked for a divorce. For a few years, it seemed to work a treat.

Now I’m not so sure they are right for me. There’s a huge back story to this. I’m screaming into the void, but I’m not even going to bore the void with it. But let’s just say that I’m having to adjust to a new dose.

And I feel like an overcharged battery. I don’t think that’s right. No anxiety, mind you. That’s not to be sniffed at. But I don’t feel right.

Is this the ADHD I am 99% sure I live with but can’t confirm because it takes 4+ years to get diagnosed and I don’t even have childhood report cards to submit because I live in a different country now? Is ADHD just going “HELLO BABES I’M HERE 😃’?

Because according to the highly scientific repository of medical information known as Reddit, that could be what’s happening. And I’m sorry but after 20+ years of dealing with a wonky head I’m starting to think there’s more value to other people’s experiences than what doctors actually know about neurospicy stuff, which is very little. Which is terrifying.

I’ve felt this before and it’s never ended well. But that’s not an option.

So my plan is to wait, and assume it’s the ADHD I may or may not be making up, and look after myself in a healthy way and see how things go.

Recovery has given me an exceptionally high tolerance for discomfort because it has many uncomfortable moments. But it’s also given me the perspective to realise that getting through those moments rewards me with confidence and pride. That shit hits even better than vodka.

And I am not going to let a little thing like a spicy head get in between me and my starving reward system. I am going to CRUSH this.

YOU HEAR THAT, VOID?!?! I AM GOING TO CRUSH THIS.

(I hope.)

Normally, I don’t admit that sort of thing. Normally, it’s absolutely NOT OKAY for me to just…I don’t know, suck at something? I usually want to be absolutely certain I can demonstrate a certain degree of competence doing a thing, before I do the thing.

Which, when I write it out like that, makes me cringe at how ridiculous I am.

But for some reason, things are different now. I’d like to think it has something to do with 20+ years of on-and-off therapy or (nearly) four years of recovery. Or it might be that I’m just getting old(er) and therefore wise(r).

I would absolutely love to know precisely why my brain is now okay with…this.
Blogging.
Specifically, blogging without a real plan.

I want to know so that I can provide you with some instruction. Or insight. Because this feels a lot better than the old inner dialogue that went something like:

“Okay, don’t be ridiculous you need to learn how to do this first so you can do it properly and make a lot of money and then maybe create a course and teach people how to do this although you can’t be average at it if you’re going to teach and oh wait you haven’t done this before so how are you going to be an expert at it oh yeah you can read a bunch of books/blogs about it and then take lots of notes and share what you’ve learned and position yourself as an expert and THEN people will love and respect you and you will be rich and never have any problems again you just need to absorb a full undergraduate degree worth of information over the weekend and it will be fine oh my god what the hell that’s not possible, but I’m going to try, no I’m not, go make coffee don’t make coffee it makes your anxiety work how am I supposed to read that much information shouldn’t I just do the thing but I can’t do it if I don’t learn about it first I’m spiralling oh my god help me…”

That’s a hideous internal monologue to have to live with. If you have a similar internal monologue I want to help you. And maybe I did read something in a book that helped.

But unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for the insight because the main reason for this rather uninspiring post is to just get me in the habit of posting every day.

There’s more to it than that, but I have to do some serious “proper” writing to express it.

I’d like to think that in a few years time I might be showing this post to someone, cringing slightly, but also feeling proud at how far I’ve come since my navel-gazing verbal diarrhoea start.

It’s okay to not know what you’re doing. Sometimes just starting is the most important thing.

PS: This just happened.